Sunday, March 8, 2009
love notes and jokesssssssss...
love notes... Debby Dear,
elloI know your ears must have listened to some of the world’s greatest promises, sweet talk, soul songs, and best of wooing jokes from millions of living Romeos. But who has broken his safe to make your dreams true; climbed Mountain Everest for your cup of real pure water and plunged into the Atlantic Ocean to fetch you cosmetics? Me.
Dear, rely not on their empty words, but tangible actions, which only I give. I will do more, name the place, time and what, I’m your delivery man, I’ll deliver at your doorstep.
Ashere Ogaga Joseph.
I feel so happy and thankful to the almighty when I wake up and see you beside me. You are not only elegant but the half that makes me whole. You are the breath that gives me life. I will love you until the day I am covered with the red earth. I love you sweetie.
Jude C. Ezedike,
Orange Park, FL, USA.
If I could pull down the rainbow I would write your name on it and put it back in the sky to let the whole world know how colorful life is with a darling like you. I love you.
Jos - Plataeu State.
I remember your trusting eyes, your tender touch and savoury jokes. But these warm thoughts and memories cannot take the place of being with you. Guess what I usually do at my lonely time, I pick up your pictures and kiss, glance though your cards and go through your letters over and over again, and I feel so glad to have a sweetheart like you. Indeed, I miss you.
Your love and soul mate,
Akure, Ondo State.
A fortnight ago you called me and said to me “Jafar, you are holding me captive and I like it. I confessed I’m a prisoner of love”. Sweetheart, I love you because you are my ebony queen, a rare African gem, my love sorcerer. I exist in distraction without you, because life without you is like love without lovers. Honey, love is all I have for you.
Prince Jafar E.A.,
Benin City, Edo State.
Is that enough? That can’t be enough for you, you’re such a wonderful friend, so, nothing will be enough from me to you.
If only you know how much I think about you everyday. If only you know how my heart beats each time I think about you. If only you can reach into my heart and know my feelings, you will know my love is for you and you alone.
jokes galore............ Abacha, MKO, and IBB took a ride on a helicopter to tour Nigeria 's countryside.
When the helicopter flew by a village, the people rushed out to watch. In a moment of joy, IBB threw a 20 Naira bill out of the helicopter. Turned to the other two and said,
"There will be a very happy Nigerian down there."
Saying nothing, MKO counted 20 one Naira bills and threw them out the chopper. With a broad smile, he said,
"I just made twenty more Nigerians happy."
Then, MKO and IBB looked at Abacha with anticipation.
Abacha grinned and shook his head,
"You two don't understand a thing about Nigeria. I could make 100 million of them happy just by jumping out of this helicopter."
Calabar House Girl
....did you hear the one about the Calabar housegirl who was told to slaughter the duck to make dinner and ended up slaughtering the DOG?
Call charges from Hell
Queen Elizabeth Mother, Abraham Lincon & Abacha died & went straight to hell.
Queen Elizabeth's mother said "I miss England. I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there".
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, and then she asked "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????"
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.
Abraham Lincon was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too."
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????"
The devil replied "Ten million dollars". With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.
Abacha was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Nigeria too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I want to talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I want to talk to everybody....."
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked & talked
talked, then he asked, "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????"
The devil replied "One dollar".
Abacha is stunned & queries the devil "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says, "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, we bill it at a local rate!"
Dear Uncle Sege...
I am very happy to write you this letter. I have watched and listened with keen interest to your call to all Nigerians in the Diaspora to come back home to join in building our great nation. In fact, I have listened sotey. I am now ready to pack all my boots and go back to my roots like Lamont Dozier.
First things first. I need a job.
I have one in mind. None other than the post of honourable Minister for Sports. Let's fashie dat one for now though.
Ehen, I heard Baba Chelsea is coming to Nigeria. Hallelu-Halleluyah! May I be so bold as to suggest ways of making his historic visit memorable. You see, that man like sax well well, so the first plan is as soon as he steps off Airforce One I want you to play the American National Anthem with full aplomb on the sax.
Actually, you will be miming for under the stage will be Femi Kuti, Orlando Julius, Isaac Hayes and Bart Simpson's younger sister (Lisa) wired for sound but out of view.
Come to think of it, that your Governor, the sax virtuoso of Cross River; Hon Donald Duke and his deputy Chief John Upka could share the stage with you.
Friends are saying that if we serve Baba Bill cool Kunu all our external debts will be a thing of the past as body go just dey sweet am sotey he go bring out cheque book come begin dey sign-sign. It's worth trying o!
One more thing, all Monicas' in the country must be converted to Morenikes' lest our August (August!! Good one Babawilly) visitor thinks we mock him when he hears you shouting "Monica, Monica abeg bring Fanta and Cabin biscuit for Baba Chelsea ojare".
Abeg warn NEPA O! If them take light during Baba Chelsea's speech in the airport blood go flow, period. (Abeg excuse the pun jo.)
Anyway back to a job for me for when I land Naija.
I promise you fifty Gold medals at the next Olympics if I get the job.
Before I tell you how I will perform this miracle here are my demands.
£100,000 a year for me and £2000 for every Gold medal in Sidney.
A six bed roomed mansion (fully air conditioned) with indoor and outdoor swimming pools.
Six house boys;
one to shine shoe
one to fry my eggs
one to put the eggs on my plate
one to say "Bless you Oga" when I sneeze,
one to iron my shirts
one to iron my trousers and
one to fan me between Nepa striking and emergency generator coming on.
Okay, so I need seven. E no finis, e no finis, e no finis.
We shall discuss the rest when we meet.
This is how I will win fifty Gold medals for my Motherland.
An American Journalist and a Nigerian Immigration Officer
An American journalist, who was tired of receiving complaints that Nigerians answer questions with another question decided to personally investigate the allegation.
The journalist got a Nigerian visiting visa, bought his flight ticket, and off he flew to Nigeria. He was prepared to stay as long as necessary in order to discover the fact.
When he got to the Nigerian airport, he was approached by an immigration officer whose duty it was to check the validity of entry visas and decide whether to deny or permit entry into Nigeria.
They got themselves into the following dialogue:
Immigration officer: What is the purpose of your visit, sir?
Journalist: I am here to investigate an allegation against Nigerians.
Immigration Officer: What is the allegation?
Journalist: Conventional wisdom is that Nigerians answer a question with another question. Is it true?
In response, the immigration office angered by what he felt was a calumny against his motherland answered angrily...WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
The journalist smugly and satisfactorily asked the iBusinessman and Doctor
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices rashes on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the America, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but decides, if it is common in America they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in New York.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes a few in Abuja."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
mmigration officer to return his passport stating that Thank you but, I do not want
an entry permit anymore I don give my life to Christ
One day recently, thieves broke into an Ibo man's house in Lagos.
As usual, the thieves gave the scared man a choice between losing his life or his money.
Shio!!! the Ibo man exclaimed. My money dey inside bank and I don give my life to Christ!
One day, a man was in a Danfo (bus in Lagos) and beside him was a young pretty woman who carried her baby on her lap.
After sometime, the baby started crying and the woman has no choice but to lift her blouse up to breast feed the baby.
As the woman brought the breast to the baby's mouth, the man beside her saw the breast and as the man was busy looking at the breast, the woman caught his eyes and the following conversation ensued:
Woman: Oga, why you dey look my breast like that now?
Woman: Oga, I beg stop looking at my breast, I be person wife o.
Man: No be say I dey look your breast, I just wan know whether the breast get N.A.F.D.A.C number.
One day, a Nigerian woman got on a bus with her new baby.
On entering, the driver exclaimed that the baby she was holding was the ugliest creature he'd ever seen in his life.
The woman felt bad and insulted but ignored the driver's comment and went right to the back seat on the bus.
After settling down, the woman told her seat mate about the driver's comment. The woman got angry in sympathy and said, "Go back up front and tell him off! I will hold your monkey for you!"